Tired of all the shame that I felt…

I am sure some of you know my situation. And I have had a lot on my mind, especially now, after my wife, and children, contacted me recently.

Honesty is important. I always have said that. I try to be honest with everyone, and I expect the same. But I must tell you all: I HAVEN’T BEEN TRULY HONEST. I haven’t been honest with myself, others, or my family here, where I am currently living.

My relationship has been a 20 year history, so I can’t go into much detail. I would consider my marriage a good one. It was. All the good times far outweigh the bad. But, all relationships have rough patches from time to time. Not ONE relationship is perfect.

But what went wrong? There are so many scenarios, but I will stick to the main point. I SOMETIMES MADE HER LIFE MISERABLE. That’s right. I admit it. It wasn’t always that way, but it did intensify especially after the first lay off. I won’t make any excuses, what I did was wrong.

What did I do? What I did was be cold, and sometimes yes, mean to the woman that I loved. And I did begin neglecting her. Add that to just growing accustomed to each other, and then a decline in communication, and other factors, it created a road to disaster. And I didn’t help it any. If anything, I aggravated it,  A LOT.

Now I wasn’t a complete monster, I wasn’t abusive, but I did enough to intimidate, and in their own words, scare them. They were afraid to speak up, defend themselves, to do anything. Believe me, I am truly ashamed of what I had become.

She didn’t know what to do. She was scared. She was going through personal issues of her own. She did what she thought she had to do, even though even she admits to it being handled poorly. She was confused and didn’t know what to do. She was willing to sacrifice her marriage. Better to be separated and better people on our own, instead of together in a relationship going bad fast. Tough love.

She did everything for me, and contrary to what some think, she was the one who pushed me to be a better person. Always did, from the beginning. She tried to help me with my lack of self confidence and self esteem. She was the one to push me to go to school, get a better job, encourage me with my talents, and would push me to keep in touch with my family. I didn’t alienate my family because of her, it was me. She had nothing to do with it. All she did was try to make me BETTER, and I didn’t accept it, or let her help.

I began to USE her as a scapegoat. An excuse for my own failures and faults. I made it look like she was the bad one, especially when this all happened. Fault was on both our parts, but I was the bad one. All I did was push and push. She pushed back. Most of this mess was because of me.

This situation I’m in has opened my eyes to a lot of things. It has made me think. It has FORCED me to take a look at myself. It has FORCED me to make changes. Trust me, I have learned my lesson, and I now have the tools to be that better person, the person she fell in love with, once again.

“There is no success without hardship”. – Sophocles

Now Playing: “It Was You” by 12 Stones

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6 thoughts on “Tired of all the shame that I felt…

  1. Wow! If I may be allowed to comment.
    What an open book and such a raw appraisal. From what you say, you did wrong. But also from what you say, you are well on the way to redeeming yourself.
    My prayers are with you and your loved ones,
    Eric

    • Thank you Eric, means a lot. Yes, I was wrong. But, I am grateful for this opportunity for healing and redemption. There’s a quote that comes to mind:

      “The pattern of the prodigal is: rebellion, ruin, repentance, reconciliation, restoration.”

      I am on my way, and feel that I have made a large amount of progress in a short amount of time. A “crash course” if you will.

      I do feel free, and like a weight has been lifted. Now, time to move on along the paths of reconciliation and restoration.

      Thanks again.

    • Thank you. Yes, I just kept thinking and thinking about so many things, this was a major issue. I felt like it had to come out, consequences be damned.

      Especially now, with the New Year, it is time to strip down whatever remaining walls there are, and REALLY begin to redeem, and continue to improve myself.

      I believe that admitting when one is wrong is a major step in the genesis of ones healing and renewal.

  2. Joey,
    What an amazaing look into yourself. It is brave of you to share something that is so deeply personal. Hearing that it’s possible to grow and learn from such a tough situation is an inspiration. I hope you are able to mend what needs mending and share your fresh outlook with your family. With all you’ve learned they will benefit from your perspective. I hope this is a great year for you! Cheers!

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